Yeah, okay... so I didn't accomplish my goals. What, me defensive?

Yep, my Big Plan to Lose Weight before The Trip to Panama failed. MISERABLY. I ended up putting so much pressure on myself that I got over-focused on my body and engaged in some unhealthy habits - namely some nasty diet drugs - which only made me feel down and out, which led to some emotional eating, which led to me feeling crappy... Soon I was on a nasty negative spiral and just gave up.

On the plus side, it was wonderful to get away. I really enjoyed Panama, the hot weather and spending time with my honey. But we spent the whole time saying things like, "Baby, can you get me another pina colada?" quickly followed by, "Can you get me some liposuction, stat?!" "I feel fat," was the week's constant refrain. Which is pretty sad isn't it? We're both "normal" weight, whatever that is, but we just felt badly about ourselves. This isn't good either.

To sum up... I want to lose weight and I want to feel healthy. I want to feed my body in a way that contributes to me looking AND feeling good. Yet, part of me thinks I should only be focused on feeling good because as soon as I start thinking about my body and how it looks, the "healthy" behavior goes out the window. How to reconcile this??

A rough patch...

I'm feeling quite disappointed with myself this week, given that I'm barely blogging and my eating has been less than healthy. Today I ate a chocolate croissant from Tims (wanted a tea biscuit, but they were out) and I'm dining out tonite and I dined out last night... basically, my social life is a bit out of control and totally revolves around food. How can I be successful with a schedule like this? And yet, I am totally in charge of my own time and life and have to look to myself to make good decisions about my health. I've fallen into this "but how can I make time?" trap and feel helpless about making any real change because of my "schedule." A big part of this is not being able to say no and being selfish about my time and how I want to spend it.

I realize now this isn't about a trip to Panama. It's about getting serious about how I feed my body and take care of myself. If others aren't happy with me because I say no, but I feel more in control of my life, will it be worth it?

Ummmm.... sorry 'bout that....

Boy, have I been OFF the blog radar this past little while! So much for posting every few days. Last week I had a craaaaazy week; a 3 day long coaching course (Friday to Sunday) and then BOOM! woke up Monday morning with the worst stomach flu I've ever known. I missed 2 days at work. While it was only a 48 hour bug, it fueled my current exhaustion leading to NO workouts and very little healthy eating. On the plus side, I did stick to salads on the weekend of my course, but just "had" to check out the new fish n' chips joint in my 'hood on Saturday evening... and after the course ended, just "had" to enjoy some wine... folks, all my good intentions are heading to straight to hell, or wherever good intentions go.

I am teaching a Reiki class all day Saturday, and am DETERMINED to get back to the gym on Sunday for my last-ditch, all-out, 3 week fitness extravaganza! Cause 3 weeks from Monday, I am stripping off my turtlenecks and cords and donning a - GASP!! - bathing suit. And honeys, it ain't lookin' pretty on my end. While my muffin top is slightly less muffin-y, it is still a muffin. A big, chocolate chip muffin from Tim Hortons sprinkled with crystalized sugar!!

OH GOD... please help me, oh inspiring ones... those who manage their frenzied lives and still hit the gym and eat well and look in the mirror and say, "Hey... not bad." HELP!!!

Newly washed jeans, newly damaged attitude

Is there anything worse than putting on a pair of freshly washed jeans, HOPING to God you'll realize that you HAVE lost weight as soon as you look in the mirror and notice a complete (or at least partial) absence of muffin-top? I really thought I'd throw on my jeans today and see a huge difference in comfort level and appearance, given that I've noticed some changes in other clothes... but OH NO, I could barely squeeze into them! Well, I have them on and they look fine but they aren't hanging off my butt in a way that others notice and say, "WOW! You really look like you've lost weight!" (Notice how concerned I am with what others think. Clearly this is Something I Should Work On.)

Last night I went out with a friend to the George Brown College Chef School restaurant (that's not what it is called) and for a relatively paltry sum, I enjoyed three de-LUSH-ious courses plus two tasty glasses of wine. Fine except I had always planned my cheat days for Saturdays and now they're are leaking into other days of the week. Not good! So while I enjoyed the meal, I feel a tad bloated today and hence, my jeans experiment failed. Miserably.

Whew! I feel better now. Thanks for listening.

How long have I been doing this?

Last week was HELL, simply put. Work has been tiring, in a normal early-January kind of way. I was out most nights and didn't fit in many workouts. Plus I taught Reiki on Saturday. So my best laid plans for working out and eating according to the GI diet were laid to rest for a few days!

Still, I do feel a difference in my pants and my muffin top feels less muffin-y. I feel encouraged that the diet has been helping. My workouts need some oomph however. My goal for this week is 2 weight workouts and 2 cardios. I would love to go out for a run but it's minus 50 or something and I just don't have that kind of determination/stupidity.

On the plus side... the trip to Panama has been booked for early March! So now my goal is to look bikini-ready for then. I have a feeling this will keep me going during these dark, dreary winter days. Although I noticed yesterday that it was still light out at 5pm... are we starting to see some (day)light at the end of this tunnel?

Oh, what a week...

Blah, blah, blah... isn't January just the most awful month of all? The weather is dreary, the sunlight is scant and work is INSANELY busy for me. I didn't deal well with the stress of last week and ended up eating larger portions of the meals on the GI Diet. On the positive side, I probably ate better than I would have had I not been on some sort of plan. I only worked out 3 times. I'm hopeful for this week but today (Tuesday) is turning out to be a tad on the trying side. I would LOVE to go home and pour myself a massive glass of wine and put back a plate of comfort food but I must... stay... on... track....

Yesterday I did well with my eating, but then last night I went to a baptism and afterwards B's friends ordered a massive amount of Indian food from Lahore Tikka. I LOVE Lahore Tikka and the idea of saying no to their scrumptious butter chicken was too much to bear. I downed a plate of food and a glass of wine and life felt good... until I got home and felt guilty, if not a bit nauseated.

I think the hardest thing for me is planning, or lack thereof. "Failing to plan is planning to fail, " as the saying goes. It's so true. I didn't make a plan for after the baptism, I was hungry and I ate. So I have another outing later in the week. Rather than just go whole hog at the restaurant, I'm going to eat well all day, limit myself to one glass of wine, and stick with souvlaki and veggies and potatoes. Skip the rice AND potatoes. On Saturday I'm teaching Reiki, so I'll bring snacks and a lunch instead of wandering into the health food store for a $7 bag of organic root vegetable chips. Saturday night I'm going out for a few drinks, but it's my cheat day so that's fine by me.

A thought: do I deserve a cheat day if I cheat a little all week? Wait... don't answer that.

Hmmm... Is this working?

So after a week on the diet, I don't feel I've lost any chub. I know it's better to be sticking to a healthy eating plan regardless, but it would be nice to walk into work to exclamations of, "Hey! Did you lose weight over the holidays??" (I'm not sure what I was expecting after a week.)

One problem I'm having is that I'm eating a little too much of the green-light carbs. I'm allowed to have 2/3 cup of basmati rice and I'm probably having closer to a cup. I'm allowed 10 almonds and I have 20. That sort of thing. I think my biggest problem is not knowing what a serving size is. I also don't like being hungry; I get panicky like my limbs are going to fall off if my tummy grumbles or something.

Off to the gym after work with my trainer. I get to see the newly renovated version of the disaster zone I was training in before the holidays. Hoepfully there are lots of fellow chubs around to make me feel better.